what are we doing?

I woke up from a nightmare tonight. Searched for that familiarity that no longer existed. Your spot is empty and cold to my touch... your pillow is untouched.
 
I've laid in bed so many nights after you leave thinking, "What are we doing anymore?" Falling back into each others arms every single time we meet. Thought so many times to myself why I let you back in... by my side. How easy is it for us to just fall back into a pattern, as if everything that once was... is... all over again, normal. I've thought so many times we both moved on. Why with me... why do this with me... what does it even mean in the end? What are we doing to each other? We are just making things worse with each kiss, embrace... each touch and caress. I don't want to be the person who consoles you, who holds you close. Who tells you everything will be okay in the end. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot let myself fall anymore with you.

Because you are falling. You don't know what you want. Where you are going. Where you want to be. Your walking around in darkness feeling and flailing for where the door is.

Your words, your promises, what can I believe anymore? Your talks of moving to Austin. I don't want to be that naive girl, that gets her hopes up. Most of all I don't want you to hurt him. Be there for him and then one day disappear. Would you really just pick up and leave here? Leave it all behind?

I'm just left to wonder... "What are we doing?"

24 week letter.

My week has been so busy, that I don't even have a new baby bird pic, so I am recycling one from last weeks. I hope to catch up and be on schedule this weekend for week 25. I can't believe how close I am getting.

- - -

Dear Baby Bird,

This weekend your daddy and I went to look at itty-bitty baby stuff so we can start making a "baby bird" list of things you will need. It was lots of fun perusing through baby blankets, tiny onesies, and all kinds of baby cribs. I'm thinking you are going to cost us a fortune little mister! But it's okay little one, I am so happy to start preparing for you. Mommy is working really hard, designing away each day and daddy is trying to get freelance work, just to buy you cute, tiny things.

These last few days you have really started moving around a lot inside of mommy. Especially when mommy is lying down, it makes me so happy to not only be able to feel you, but now be able to see those tiny movements poking at my tummy. On Monday night, daddy put his hand down on mommy's bare belly and you gave him a little kick right on the palm of his hand. Then he gently put his ear to mommy's belly to hear you move inside, and you started kicking away like crazy. I think you kicked him on the cheek! He was so excited at how hard you are kicking now and gave you lots of little kisses.

Also mommy feels like she now has a truck drivers appetite, I've been eating away at everything in sight. You must really be growing a lot in there. Momma's belly is getting sooo big now! I can't wait to see all those cute chubby parts on you, and your cute tiny little hands and feet. Not to mention your cute little face. I know the minute you come out of mommy, we are both going to want to snuggle you and give you lots of tiny little kisses. Keep on growing sweet pea. Only 108 days left till I see you!

Love,
Mommy

navigators. my place.

"I'm gonna make your toes curl tonight..."

This video has such cute typography, couldn't help but sharing. And the lyrics are so silly, carefree that you'll start humming along. :)

cults. oh my god.

Love this Brooklyn duo. <3

this year is the year. fowd.

Ever since I could remember, even as a fledgling designer, I have had dreams about attending FOWD & FOWA. Be it the nerdy girl inside of me that loves tech and design so much, and has always admired Molly Holzschlag, Elliot Jay Stocks, Andy Budd, Dan Rubin and all of the greats. This year I'm actually here, in NYC, so no out of pocket costs for hotels, which if anyone knows is ridiculously expensive.

I'm attending this year no matter what happens, and luckily it is November 15th-17th, so the baby bird will be out of the tummy by then. Oh Future of Web Design, it is as if you knew my schedule, are working around it and want me to attend. So be it this year I am going, and taking along my bestie Molly Joon. We are both going to geek out hardcore to all of the preso's. I especially am looking forward to: How To Design Delightful, Usable Interfaces, Getting Started with HMTL5 and CSS3, Beyond Usability: The Art of Experience Design, and oh so much more.

See everyone there!

freedom or death. this crowded room.

Playing over and over today. Such a beautiful song.

23 week letter.

Dear Baby Bird,

Momma's been feeling super exhausted lately, you are really getting bigger in there. It seems like I have to roll myself out of bed in the morning and my back has been feeling all sorts of achy. But it's okay sweet pea, you are so worth it. Today I played some of your Grandpa's favorite tunes, the kind we would listen too on long road trips. I'm sure you'll find out about all of that soon, your Gramps is so happy that you are a boy! Remember he told you on the phone that he wants to take you hunting, camping and fishing with Brandon. Your Gramps is silly!

Either way, I was dancing along while sweeping the floors today. I started to twirl around really fast with the music, and when I stopped I felt super light-headed. But I could really feel you kicking away with the sound of the music, I think you like old-timey country music just like your momma. You twist and roll, and then I press my hand down on the spot I see you move and you kick back to tell me you are right there. Honey bunny, sweet baby, I can't wait to see your charming little face... only 16 weeks left to go honey... maybe more, maybe less. Momma can't wait to have you in her arms. Keep growing and kicking away sweet pea!

Love,
Mommy

Here is the song mommy danced to as a little girl, one of your Grandpa Jones favorites.

Randy Travis - Look Heart, No Hands

call it off.

happiness hit her like a train on a track.

This song is everything I feel today, it's a great feeling, it's a realization, it's a leaving of sorts, it's a long time coming and it's finally here.

texas is the reason.

I just keep coming back for that one thing over and over, it is a curse, it is a cycle, it is a pattern now and it's been that way for a long time. Sometimes your not able to let go, one last kiss, one last time, it seems like you try to stop yourself, because you know it will just hurt more in the end. Yet you always find yourself going back, and you think to yourself "this is the last time..."

always love.

This song has always gotten me through the tough times in my life, so many memories of hanging out with besties like my dear Molly Joon and Diana, driving in my car without a care in the world; windows rolled down, hair blowing in the wind. Sometimes you have to remember that love is what keeps the world going round. Just because one thing or the other doesn't go as planned isn't a reason to give up hope. You have to learn to love and let go, and forgive and forget. It's the only way you will learn to be truly happy and live to be a better soul through each day, trial and tribulation.

This year has tested me out, it has thrown fate and chance at me, when it asked us to move to a city we didn't know. It has given Jer and I the opportunity to try for that family we so desired and blessed us quite quickly after just a few tries of being here, with this tiny baby bird. But sometimes fate has little surprises in store for us, and unfortunately we went through many tests that we could not get past. Once again fate is the factor at play and you have to learn to let it play out till the end, you cannot fight it, it's like walking towards heavy drops of rain and wind. Ever since I was a little girl, my grandmother taught us that everything happens for a reason, not a single thing is left to chance... everything is part of a grander scheme of things, a world that is constantly crashing and colliding the lives of others into each other.

I love Brooklyn, no doubt about it, but now with my baby bird on the way I seek a place that feels like home. Thus I have decided to move back to Texas, I miss familiar faces, dinners with close friends and family, those open skies and fields that go on as far as the eye can see, driving through tiny specks of towns along forgotten dirt roads. I dream of my beautiful Austin that no matter where I have moved to has always steadfastly stayed true in my heart as my one "true" home. Plans are set for when the baby bird arrives, soon after Texas, I will come back to you and say "Home Sweet Home."

baby bird. you are my reason.

Baby 18 Weeks // 3D Ultrasound from Melissa Garcia on Vimeo.

I have been meaning to post this on here, but work has been ridiculously hectic lately. A few weekends ago we went to see a 3D ultrasound of the baby bird. It was really neat to see the baby on a huge projector screen just moving around so much, it's kind of unbelievable to think that he is in my belly.

It was Jer's first time getting a peek at the baby and his goods, it's definitely a boy for sure! He kept putting his itty-bitty hands up by his face so the doctor couldn't get a great profile pic. But that's okay, just getting to see him makes me feel like I am the luckiest girl alive.

destroyer. foam hands.

True love regrets to inform you
There are certain things you must do
To perceive his face in the stains on the wall

I didn't know what time it was at all
I didn't know what time it was at all
Foam hands

Since you been gone
Since you been gone
Me and the king have been steadily growing apart
He lives down the hall

I didn't know what time it was at all
I didn't know what time it was at all
Foam hands

I'm not the kind to tell you what is true
And what is totally out of control
I didn't know what time it was at all
I didn't know what time it was at all
Foam hands

Love how this song makes me think of a loss of something important in your life, like the dissolving of a relationship or the death of someone close. That in the end you cannot control everything in life, you can only grow and accept that some things are just out of your control. You grow apart from this feeling, slowly in the end it will just become a distant memory. Maybe that is what loving someone is all about, being able to love and let go when the time comes. "Foam Hands," in the end it will just slip right through.

lovely summertime dreams.

I've been in love with Aaron Farley's work for awhile now. His photography is just lovely. Here are a couple of my favorites that remind me of sweet summers, future wishful thinking, and stories that are yet to come.



Now that summer nights have begun, mornings should consist of messy beds, tousled sheets, bedhead hair, and waking up in pretty brasieres.



I love this pic of this cute kiddo! Sigh. Sometimes I lay down, one hand on my belly and imagine how our little one will look like. I know he will be half Irish/Mexican, such a pretty combination. Even though the boy thinks he will have reddish-blonde hair, I think his hair will be a golden brown, the kind that catches gold in the sun yet is dark in the shade. I think he will have his face-shape and chin, and my big eyes and skin tone. I really can't wait, days please go by quickly so this little baby bird can come out. <3



I love her ink, it's lovely. I really can't wait to get my fox tattoo started, I have to wait until this baby bird is out though. The fox has always been my favorite animal, ever since I was a child I've adored it. So far I have a grizzly bear on my wrist, and I plan to get the fox on that same arm (my upper arm) it would make the perfect pair of animals.



Love this photo. I picture my home to be something like this; something sweet, nice, and cozy where time seems to stand still. Front porch swing, where I could sit with a nice tall glass of sweet tea and a slight drop of sweat on my brow. I would watch the world go by from my happy little home, while the hustle and bustle continues on in the foreground.



Blue, blue skies. Sigh I love the summertime! I know that this summer will be different from my other summers, because of the baby bird. But it will also be magical and sweet and full of surprises. Soon I will have the crib setup in the corner of the bedroom and awaiting the arrival of my sweet little baby bird.

I Will Sing You Songs

I've been listening to this song all day long and simply cannot get it out of my head. I love how it reads like a lullaby or a bedtime story, and the live version is simply enchanting. Being pregnant with my little baby bird, I've been making a little playlist of sweet songs to play to him while in my belly. I imagine that the echos throughout this song might sound like the echos you might hear inside the womb. It's so soft and sweet. I know he can hear what is going on outside him now so I do want to sing him songs. I'd like to sing to my baby bird sweet songs every day and night, about love, dreams, hope and all the wishes I have for him.

Cute, Cute Space

I absolutely adore Design Sponge, seriously it has the cutest posts and has served me well with inspiration for my place. If you know me well, then you know my home is my sanctuary, and the place I come to de-stress and unwind. I love a place that makes you feel warm, cozy and inviting. I really can't wait to head out to the BK Flea and invest in some nice antique/vintage pieces, I am really looking for a nice antique Victorian chair for the living room and some nice milk glass vases.

Here are a couple of cute inspiring rooms that I adore:

hi love. sincerely me.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

There is beauty in being with someone, experiencing moments of equal pleasure and pain — and continuing to be by their side. Not out of a sense of obligation – but because the love is genuine, and deep – hearts, souls intertwined with one another. I find, many times, especially with the fool hardy and less evolved — they can’t reach or maintain this type of love because the addiction to the intense passion that comes from the start of a relationship surpasses feelings of commitment and loyalty.

But then… what happens? Cycles of relationships… latching onto one person for a time, before moving onto the next once the intensity dies down. That’s sad, for years can go by and you are left alone – looking back at all the bridges that have been burned along the way.

Long term, healthy relationships last when both people appreciate one another, and are willing to work through the hardships. No relationship, no human is perfect and it’s a shame to let love die because it’s just too “hard” or too much “work”. Sometimes, love diminishes, because one person rather start fresh, than have to be accountable for any wrongdoing both may have done in a relationship or as a couple in general. I, no matter what, when in love with someone, will show/give unwavering dedication and loyalty. If it’s met with resistance and not appreciated, then iI try even harder… yet true love can only be experienced if there is equal commitment. How can anyone have a truly satisfying life never being satisfied and content with what they have? Running away from those who love them for who they are (good, bad) in search of a new experience.

Living that way will result in a cycle of love and relationships. Initial spark + passion + intensity, breeds love. Love then results in a relationship + experiences + happiness + pain + deceit. Rather than working through the negatives – the runner decides it would just be easier to start anew thus beginning the next cycle. It’s an addiction to love coupled with the unwillingness to take on real responsibility for actions. A person can continue to run their whole life, or they reach a point where they realize the patterns and begin to appreciate someone’s unconditional love, versus placing more importance on initial passions. Finding comfort in the fact that their loved one knows them, their faults and all instead of seeking out another who knows nothing (or only what is shown).

While there are people who run, there are also others who stay despite the heartache… I, most definitely am a stayer, I wear my heart on my sleeve an am intensely dedicated to my significant other, and while I don’t regret any of it – I do know when it’s time to figure out if both really have the desire to try. So here I am, willing to try and to give this tree a chance to grow. I guess in the end, only time will tell if the tree will stay and grow intertwined and when all the pretty blossoms fall, they will be one tree instead of two.

- Credit to the lovely Daniela for these heartbreaking words that ring so true. She blogs about music and thoughts at: Daniela Writes.